Tony: You just incapacitate your opponent and then you win.
Todd: What game are you playing?
Tony: Scrabble.
Todd: ...
Travis: You should see him do a crossword. It's vicious.
*
Eli: We've heard tales of devils, demons, and giants in these mountains. Can you direct us to them?
*
Tony: This ability says I hit with a preternatural reserve. So you're all preganant.
Travis: I don't think that's what that word means!
Tony: No, I impregnated the entire party.
Farone: I don't think the Paladin understands how pregnancy works.
*
Tony: I'm using my righteous blow.
Farone: Whoa!
Travis: Like "Peruvian Marching Powder"?
Eli: Like, you're going to blow them?
Farone: That was so not what I was thinking
Eli: What? That would be awesome! The paladin and a stone giant...
Farone: There's a big gap in what you and I consider awesome.
*
Farone: What if someone lifts me up like five feet? Who's the tallest? The ranger? Let me look, she's...5' 3". You're only 5' 3"?
Kim: I'm only 5' 3", but I have really long arms.
Eli: What are you like Patrick Ewing over there?
*
Farone: I don't know what that is, but I know it's not a penis.
*
Tony: Do I add this to my meter of love here?
*
Travis: This guy's got a 34 AC. I'm just saying.
Eli: Use abilities that don't hit AC. Does anybody have attacks that don't hit AC?
Travis: Well, Mike's got a bunch of abilities that don't hit...
*
Eli: We're coming back for you. Barion Harkle never leaves a man behind!
Tony: What did you just say? You'll never leave a man's behind?
*
Kim: What are you doing way back there?
Tom: I went way ahead of you. I'm very fast.
Todd: And by "very fast" he means, "I'm a coward".
Eli: And by "coward" he means, "elf".
*
Tony: Wow. First the dildos and now this...
*
Eli: I think Tony should fight with his thing.
Everyone: ...
Farone: I don't know what kind of fight you think this is...
*
Eli: We seek the phylactery of Lich Thomas!
Travis: Then you might as well have set your sights on the sun! For you will never find it!
Todd: Why?
Travis: It is guarded by the most foul beast in the land!
Farone: The elf? No, he's with us.
*
Travis: You can't just grab the disk it weighs like 60 lbs.
Farone: Put it in the bag of holding that's full of heads.
Eli: It won't fit.
Farone: Why not?
Eli: The bag only opens to like...head size.
*
Farone: If we call the disk a head long enough we can get the bag to accept it.
Travis: I don't think magic works like that.
Farone: As a practitioner of magic, it does.
Todd: By definition, magic works magically.
*
Farone: So let me get this straight: You're not afraid of the dracolich, but you are afraid of a dark elf.
Eli: Yes.
Farone: Well. Ok, then.
*
Eli: We'll do this the old fashioned way. Send the elf out!
Todd: I thought the old fashioned way was "kill everything".
Eli: It's ok, we'll light the elf on fire first.
Farone: I like this plan. I always agree with a "light the elf on fire" plan.
*
Travis: There's a stream of undead coming towards you.
Kim: How undead are they?
*
Eidson: I told you the dracolich was in here.
Todd: This room's not big enough for a dracolich.
Eidson: Dracoliches can turn into a single bone and fit anywhere.
Todd: Ok, the elf doesn't know anything about dracoliches.
Eidson: I rolled a 20 on my perception!
Travis: You perceive that you don't know anything about dracoliches. With great clarity, in fact.
*
Tony: I see you still have Barion Harkel.
Farone: Unfortunately.
*
Tony: Dragon's hatch.
Farone: They don't.
Tony: They do!
Farone: No, they erupt into the world.
*
Eidson: I'm running away and shooting the thing following me.
Eli: Yeah, don't help the cleric.
Eidson: Oh, does someone need help? I can run away further.
*
Eidson: I wish I had abilities to stop things moving.
Travis: Dead things stop moving.
Todd: You'd think that but this giant battle against zombies would tend to prove otherwise.
*
Farone: I do +10 for uh...+4 for the, um, well, +1 for being bloodied and 4 for the aura and 2 for that thing you cast and 2 for my bonus, and then +1 for uh...something.
*
Tony: I have 50 platinum! Woo-hoo!
Travis: that's probably wrong.
Tony: Wait, a platinum is 100 gold, right?
Travis: Yeah, but...
Tony: Woo-hoo!
*
Travis: You see a shadowy Tiefling begin to cast-
Eli: None of us can see that.
Todd: Kim's blind...
Eli: I'm behind a shadowy wall of darkness...
Todd: And I'm in another room. For that matter he can't see us.
Eli: Yeah, what the heck is he doing?
Todd: I swear to God, he's casting magic missile at the darkness...
*
Kim: Maybe these guys are friendly.
Eli: Has anything in this place been friendly so far?
Travis: That's because you guys always have initiative. You attack everything first!
Eli: Well that's because we're not friendly!
*
Eli: I'm gonna move here and subdue this guy.
Travis: With what?
Eli: My fists!
*
Eli: He's unconscious so I'm gonna hit him again and make sure he's knocked out.
*
Travis: It's a village and everyone is mutated and horribly deformed. They're wandering around and you hear a voice from inside a tent talking about how great Pandemonium is.
Eli: Pandemonium?
Travis: It's like chaos.
Todd: So it's a village full of crazies?
Travis: Yes.
Todd: Is there a pommel horse in the middle of town?
*
Todd: He just said we're inside a pyramid, so now we know that for sure.
Travis: You always knew you were in a pyramid.
Eli: I thought we were in a castle.
Todd: Me too.
Travis: It's a crystal pyramid.
Eli: I thought it was a crystal castle.
Todd: Me too.
Kim: I thought we were in a cave.
Travis: Huh. Well you are a half-orc. Their word for "inside" is "cave" so I guess that makes sense.
*
Eli: I have a rocket launcher.
Travis: He does, but there are no rockets in this world.
Eli: It shoots bears.
*
Eli: We're going to an evil church?
Farone: They pass around a plate with money and you take some.
*
Travis: Tony, that guy hits you with a bolt of darkness for 13 points of damage.
Tony: Wow. I...uh...take it. I guess.
*
Kim: I do like your shinys.
*
Travis: Kim you're up. What are you going to do?
Kim: I'm gonna kick your a**...hey, where'd you go?
*
Travis: You don't see anything at the bottom of the pit. You don't see any spikes. You don't see any invisible monsters...
*
Eli: I roll to hit...18.
Travis: Miss. Hit. No, miss.
Eli: Uh...
Travis: You're grappled so you're at a minus 2.
Eli: So, 16?
Travis: Your minus to hit is the same as his defensive minus so...it doesn't actually help you.
Eli: So did I hit?
Travis: Um...no.
Eli: Are you sure?
Travis: No.
*
Travis: You're grappled so you're plus 6 to hit for them.
Eli: I'm so sick of your lies!
*
Eidson: That was a 20! Crit!
Travis: What ability are you using?
Eidson: My twin strike.
Travis: No, the correct answer was: Something that does a lot of damage.
*
Travis: Let me see your character sheet...why do all your abilities allow you to run away?
*
Eli: The room that's knee deep in water has pipes underneath it.
Travis: A series of pipes.
Todd: Is that like a series of tubes?
Eli: The internet is under the floor of this room!
Farone: That would explain why everything in here moves so slow.
*
Travis: It's guarded by Unseen Forces that you....can not see!
*
Travis: You can't tell if you're shrinking or if the world is growing bigger! But you're sure you're shrinking.
*
Eli: Where are you from?
NPC: Um...Dwarfland!
Todd: He's legit. I've heard of Dwarfland.
*
Eli: What's your name?
NPC: Um...Hammersmith.
Farone: From Dwarfland.
Eli: Tell me where you're really from.
NPC: Undermountain.
Eli: Hammersmith? From Undermountain? In Dwarfland?
Farone: I'm melting his face with an acid orb. There. Now your name is Dwarf Liartongue!
Kim: Um...the sorcerer is yelling at the corpse.
*
Travis: There's a steel curtain.
Eli: How are we going to get through this Pittsburgh defense?
Kim: They're gonna open it. There's a sale.
*
Travis: You find a corpse with the dark, chitinous look of an Umber Hulk.
Todd: Is it an umber hulk?
Travis: It is!
*
Tony: What are these guys?
Everyone: ...
Farone: I don't know what kind of fight you think this is...
*
Eli: We seek the phylactery of Lich Thomas!
Travis: Then you might as well have set your sights on the sun! For you will never find it!
Todd: Why?
Travis: It is guarded by the most foul beast in the land!
Farone: The elf? No, he's with us.
*
Travis: You can't just grab the disk it weighs like 60 lbs.
Farone: Put it in the bag of holding that's full of heads.
Eli: It won't fit.
Farone: Why not?
Eli: The bag only opens to like...head size.
*
Farone: If we call the disk a head long enough we can get the bag to accept it.
Travis: I don't think magic works like that.
Farone: As a practitioner of magic, it does.
Todd: By definition, magic works magically.
*
Farone: So let me get this straight: You're not afraid of the dracolich, but you are afraid of a dark elf.
Eli: Yes.
Farone: Well. Ok, then.
*
Eli: We'll do this the old fashioned way. Send the elf out!
Todd: I thought the old fashioned way was "kill everything".
Eli: It's ok, we'll light the elf on fire first.
Farone: I like this plan. I always agree with a "light the elf on fire" plan.
*
Travis: There's a stream of undead coming towards you.
Kim: How undead are they?
*
Eidson: I told you the dracolich was in here.
Todd: This room's not big enough for a dracolich.
Eidson: Dracoliches can turn into a single bone and fit anywhere.
Todd: Ok, the elf doesn't know anything about dracoliches.
Eidson: I rolled a 20 on my perception!
Travis: You perceive that you don't know anything about dracoliches. With great clarity, in fact.
*
Tony: I see you still have Barion Harkel.
Farone: Unfortunately.
*
Tony: Dragon's hatch.
Farone: They don't.
Tony: They do!
Farone: No, they erupt into the world.
*
Eidson: I'm running away and shooting the thing following me.
Eli: Yeah, don't help the cleric.
Eidson: Oh, does someone need help? I can run away further.
*
Eidson: I wish I had abilities to stop things moving.
Travis: Dead things stop moving.
Todd: You'd think that but this giant battle against zombies would tend to prove otherwise.
*
Farone: I do +10 for uh...+4 for the, um, well, +1 for being bloodied and 4 for the aura and 2 for that thing you cast and 2 for my bonus, and then +1 for uh...something.
*
Tony: I have 50 platinum! Woo-hoo!
Travis: that's probably wrong.
Tony: Wait, a platinum is 100 gold, right?
Travis: Yeah, but...
Tony: Woo-hoo!
*
Travis: You see a shadowy Tiefling begin to cast-
Eli: None of us can see that.
Todd: Kim's blind...
Eli: I'm behind a shadowy wall of darkness...
Todd: And I'm in another room. For that matter he can't see us.
Eli: Yeah, what the heck is he doing?
Todd: I swear to God, he's casting magic missile at the darkness...
*
Kim: Maybe these guys are friendly.
Eli: Has anything in this place been friendly so far?
Travis: That's because you guys always have initiative. You attack everything first!
Eli: Well that's because we're not friendly!
*
Eli: I'm gonna move here and subdue this guy.
Travis: With what?
Eli: My fists!
*
Eli: He's unconscious so I'm gonna hit him again and make sure he's knocked out.
*
Travis: It's a village and everyone is mutated and horribly deformed. They're wandering around and you hear a voice from inside a tent talking about how great Pandemonium is.
Eli: Pandemonium?
Travis: It's like chaos.
Todd: So it's a village full of crazies?
Travis: Yes.
Todd: Is there a pommel horse in the middle of town?
*
Todd: He just said we're inside a pyramid, so now we know that for sure.
Travis: You always knew you were in a pyramid.
Eli: I thought we were in a castle.
Todd: Me too.
Travis: It's a crystal pyramid.
Eli: I thought it was a crystal castle.
Todd: Me too.
Kim: I thought we were in a cave.
Travis: Huh. Well you are a half-orc. Their word for "inside" is "cave" so I guess that makes sense.
*
Eli: I have a rocket launcher.
Travis: He does, but there are no rockets in this world.
Eli: It shoots bears.
*
Eli: We're going to an evil church?
Farone: They pass around a plate with money and you take some.
*
Travis: Tony, that guy hits you with a bolt of darkness for 13 points of damage.
Tony: Wow. I...uh...take it. I guess.
*
Kim: I do like your shinys.
*
Travis: Kim you're up. What are you going to do?
Kim: I'm gonna kick your a**...hey, where'd you go?
*
Travis: You don't see anything at the bottom of the pit. You don't see any spikes. You don't see any invisible monsters...
*
Eli: I roll to hit...18.
Travis: Miss. Hit. No, miss.
Eli: Uh...
Travis: You're grappled so you're at a minus 2.
Eli: So, 16?
Travis: Your minus to hit is the same as his defensive minus so...it doesn't actually help you.
Eli: So did I hit?
Travis: Um...no.
Eli: Are you sure?
Travis: No.
*
Travis: You're grappled so you're plus 6 to hit for them.
Eli: I'm so sick of your lies!
*
Eidson: That was a 20! Crit!
Travis: What ability are you using?
Eidson: My twin strike.
Travis: No, the correct answer was: Something that does a lot of damage.
*
Travis: Let me see your character sheet...why do all your abilities allow you to run away?
*
Eli: The room that's knee deep in water has pipes underneath it.
Travis: A series of pipes.
Todd: Is that like a series of tubes?
Eli: The internet is under the floor of this room!
Farone: That would explain why everything in here moves so slow.
*
Travis: It's guarded by Unseen Forces that you....can not see!
*
Travis: You can't tell if you're shrinking or if the world is growing bigger! But you're sure you're shrinking.
*
Eli: Where are you from?
NPC: Um...Dwarfland!
Todd: He's legit. I've heard of Dwarfland.
*
Eli: What's your name?
NPC: Um...Hammersmith.
Farone: From Dwarfland.
Eli: Tell me where you're really from.
NPC: Undermountain.
Eli: Hammersmith? From Undermountain? In Dwarfland?
Farone: I'm melting his face with an acid orb. There. Now your name is Dwarf Liartongue!
Kim: Um...the sorcerer is yelling at the corpse.
*
Travis: There's a steel curtain.
Eli: How are we going to get through this Pittsburgh defense?
Kim: They're gonna open it. There's a sale.
*
Travis: You find a corpse with the dark, chitinous look of an Umber Hulk.
Todd: Is it an umber hulk?
Travis: It is!
*
Tony: What are these guys?
Todd: They're orcs. We're not attacking them. Yet.
*
Travis: Kim should move...here.
Todd: Won't she provoke an attack of opportunity?
Travis: Yeah, but she has talents to protect against that. Watch this. (Moves kim, rolls attack) Oh, oops. I hit her.
*
Eli: This is not the way the Barion Harkel Five does things!
Travis: Oh, attacking from behind is definitely the Barion Harkel way to do things.
*
Farone: YOU wanted to follow the elf, and you KNOW that's not what we do! If anything we get his advice and do the opposite.
*
Travis: They have Tyrannosaurus Sex arms.
Eli: Oh, I don't want to mess with them!
Travis: You know I meant Rex, right? Tyrannosaurus Rex arms.
Farone: It's Ok, just don't get grappled.
*
Eli: All right, fine, attack them. We won't look for a back entrance, we'll attack.
Todd: I can't believe we had to talk the warlord into attacking something.
*
Kim: You're mean.
*
Travis: You're dazed.
Farone: What? Who dazed me?
Travis (pointing): That guy.
Farone: He's not even in range!
Travis: Yeah. He is.
Farone: Oh. Great. Guess who I'm cursing next turn.
*
Farone: We should capture these guys in some kind of non-porous material...
Tony: Like honey?
Farone: Um...that's exactly what I was thinking.
*
(Travis looks through the rules for an inordinate amount of time, mumbling)
Travis: Ok...that, and then...ok, D4. A D4.
Todd: All that for a D4?
Travis (rolls): Elf...take 5 points of damage.
Todd: And then you somehow rolled a 5.
*
Farone: Those guys are minions so you kill them in one hit.
Tony: Oh really?
Farone: Unless I'm wrong in which case you're dead.
*
Farone: That's a farmer who was ensorceled.
Todd: We desorceled him.
*
Tony: No, no. Keep reading your dialog good citizen.
*
Travis: You should introduce yourselves.
Farone: Why hello there-
Travis: Go away!
*
Eli: One of the kobolds had a necklace of Orcus.
Travis: That wouldn't surprise me.
Farone: What WOULD surprise you?
*
Eli: Isn't that guy a wizard?
Farone: He's a historian.
Todd: A level 4 historian?
Farone: He has the power of history.
*
Travis: What's your reflex save?
Eli: Nine...
Travis: Then he hits.
Eli:...hundred.
*
Eli: It's my new daily power. Summon undeadless town.
*
Travis: This guy took 25 points of damage.
Tony: I use my power to take that damage for him.
Farone: No, that's a bad guy!
Eli: We WANT him to take that damage!
Farone: Tony wasn't paying attention.
Eli: I like how he hears something went wrong and just assumes it's us though.
*
Farone: (To Tony) You're making a bed out of dead orcs.
Travis: You are the most disgusting paladin.
Tony: I didn't say anything! I just asked where we were making camp!
*
Travis: The paladin wants to know if laying on hands on himself is a full round action.
Tony: I don't know, but it is an "at-will" power.
*
(Eli is conversing with the orcs in Giant language)
Todd: I don't understand any of this.
Tony: It's ok it's all subtitled.
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