Eli: I'm a friendly thief. Eli the Good!
*
Farone: My village was destroyed by...uh...
Todd: Sharks?
Farone: Half-orc, half-sharks!
Eli: Shorks!
*
Farone: Every four levels you get a new alignment.
*
Eli: Can I speak to the dead?
Travis: No. I take that back. Yes, but they won't respond.
*
Farone: My parents were in the porn industry. Live porn. They traveled from town to town putting on live porn shows.
*
Travis: What's your bluff skill?
Farone: Do I really have to tell you or can I bluff?
*
Farone: Does a grappling hook give you a bonus to grappling?
Travis: No. But tentacles do.
Todd & Farone: How much are tentacles?
Travis: You can't buy tentacles.
Farone: What if I buy a tent and some manacles and combine them?
*
Janessa: What is the plot, other than people getting drunk at mini-bars?
*
Farone: She heard that conversation right?
Travis: No, they were in the back.
Eli: We were in the back?
Janessa: They were?
Travis: (To Eli) By the way, you were in the back.
*
Janessa: I believe these are your papers.
Eli: Thank you.
Janessa: I didn't say I was giving them to you!
*
Travis: The guy who was supposed to be keeping watch is gone...
Eli: Uh...
Todd: I was run off by the door man.
Travis: If by “run off” you mean “given directions to a bar”.
Todd: That's what I meant.
*
Janessa: We can stay at a nice hotel.
Todd: Wait, she has money?
Farone: I have a new plan.
*
Farone: She doesn't have lots of money!
Travis: She does.
Janessa: I do.
Farone: Man, I want lots of money. I wish I had a vagina.
*
Eli: We need to go get my friends.
Janessa: Oh. You have friends?
*
Janessa: The wolf and I are one.
Eli: I believe this job could use someone of your...collective talents.
Farone: How exactly does this caper involve a wolf lady?
*
Farone: I never got paid!
Travis: You got paid.
Farone: Then how come I don't have any money?
Travis: You drink.
Farone: I don't drink! Oh wait...yes I do.
*
Janessa: Do I get stabbed now?
Travis: Do you want to get stabbed?
Farone: Wait, did you take the paranoia feat?
*
Janessa: He’s over here gallivanting around town…
Farone: Hey! I don’t gallivant.
*
Janessa: I’m just saying, realistically, even back then, dudes would give in to chicks.
*
Eli: I’m not doing the tracking.
Travis: You’re letting the dog do it.
Eli: I’m thinking, dogs smell better than people.
Farone: Only if you wash them.
*
Travis: What name did you give the guards when you crossed the bridge?
Eli: Um…
Janessa: Why does Travis have Flash cards?
Farone: Those are his notes.
Eli: He’s like James Lipton.
Farone: Or Alex Trebek. Like we’re on Jeopardy.
Todd: I’ll take lies we told the guards for 200, Alex.
*
Travis: I’m just wondering…how does someone track by scent something that left a burned down building.
Janessa: Blood hounds can. I was watching a special about those dogs that track dead people…
Farone: Whatever she says next, none of us are going to be able to dispute this.
*
Eli: How much do you trust me?
Janessa: That is an awesome question!
*
Eli: Are there any tables in the back?
Travis: Of course. One of them’s shrouded in darkness, and the others are…near it.
*
Eli: You two go in the back and make out or something.
Janessa: He’s an orc!
Eli: Yeah. That’s what you half-breeds do.
Janessa: I’m a human!
Eli: Oh yeah! You lazy orc! Stay away from our women folk!
*
Janessa: (After killing an NPC) Yay! Who’s useful now!
*
Todd: These guys are the worst assassins ever. They bust in all ninja-like then they’re like, “Oh, sh*t, they have a dog!”
*
Farone: He’s the one we’re gonna kick out. He’s human. He stinks.
Janessa: Hey, I’m a human!
Farone: Yeah, but you’re clean.
Eli: She’s a race betrayer!
Travis: If by “race betrayer” you mean “bather”, then yes.
*
Eli: There’s a dead guy with an arrow we don’t recognize, another dead guy out the window on the street…
Farone: Man, this is a rough neighborhood, even the assassins aren’t safe.
*
Dave: Did you get healed?
Janessa: I rested so I got all my hit points back.
Dave: That’s not how it works.
Janessa: What?!? How many do I get?
Dave: 1.
Janessa: Dude, these cots suck!
*
Farone: (To Dave) Is this guy somebody, or is it just you?
*
Janessa: Here.
Travis: It’s a calculator…
Janessa: Yeah, in case you get lazy doing my xp again.
*
Janessa: What?!? What’s wrong with offering a little helpful…utensil?
Travis: It’s a good thing your husband’s not a native English speaker, or he’d have had a hernia by now.
Janessa: Dude! He’s had hernias.
*
Eli: I’m investigating dammit! I’m an investigator.
Travis: (Pointing at Dave) HE’s the investigator.
Eli: No! I took it as a skill! No. Wait. No I didn’t.
Dave: He’s just delusional.
Travis: But he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
*
Travis: (Reading his own notes) Bronco IS his real name. Holy Sh*t. I named a guy Bronco? What an a**hole.
*
Eli: Let’s cut off a finger. No! A toe! Let’s take a toe! This guy tried to kill me. We’re cutting off a finger or a toe!
Travis: How much are they paying you? I’ll pay more.
Eli: Er…how much?
*
Travis: His name is Kogoth. And by the way, none of you are going to recognize that name.
Janessa: I roll just in case.
*
(After the interrogation victim has a finger bitten off by the dog and passes out)
Dave: Ok, that’s it. The interrogation is over.
Todd: What are you talking about? When he wakes up and we show him his own finger and tell him he’s only got 9 mistakes left…
Janessa: That is awesome!
Dave: Am I in an evil party? Is everyone evil but me?
Janessa: What, he has good ideas!
*
Eli: All I know is we’re gonna break him.
Travis: Is he a prisoner or a thrall?
Janessa: Thrall sounds good.
*
Eli: Can you summon bees? Cause that would be awesome.
Todd: We can just cover him with honey.
Dave: You know, bees aren’t attracted to honey…
Eli: No, but bears are! That’s even better!
*
Travis: What kind of armor do you have?
Janessa: Hide +1.
Farone: Isn’t that a skill?
*
Janessa: Wait, this is an Elven city! How do they not have magic shops?
Travis: This is a human city.
Janessa: Oh well. Lesser beings aren’t that smart, I guess…
Travis: You’re a human.
Janessa: What?! Oh yeah. I thought I was a fricken elf!
*
(Travis hands the party a map)
Farone: Uh…is there a translation for this somewhere?
Travis: My handwriting’s not that bad.
Farone: Does this say “Fish-lick bank”?
Travis: (Snatches map away) Give me that!
(Pause)
Travis: That does say Fish-Lick Bank.
*
Janessa: I’m spending Eli’s money.
Eli: Where did you get my money?
Janessa: Um…while you were asleep?
Todd: I hope you don’t think you’ve been robbing us. We started out broke and poor. None of us had vaginas.
*
Janessa: Dude, don’t you take notes?
Todd: Don’t grouch at the DM.
Janessa: Why not?
Todd: Cause then he won’t be nice to us.
Janessa: So? Fine. Travis, you’re awesome. Learn to take notes.
*
Janessa: I like tiny things!
*
Eli: I have a plan. The druid’s parents are rich. We’ll kidnap the druid.
Janessa: *Pretend* to kidnap me.
Todd: This is a good idea.
Janessa: We can mail them that finger we took off the dude!
Dave: A man’s finger?
Janessa: Hey! We can put lotion on it!
*
Todd: He can bartend, we’ll just take the money up front.
Eli: No one’s going to trust you. You’re an orc.
Todd: Well, then, you can take the money up front.
Eli: I’m a thief. No one’s going to trust me.
Janessa: They would if you’d take off those thiefy clothes and put on something else.
*
Travis: You guys have terrible ideas.
Farone: What are you talking about? I haven’t had any ideas. And they’ve all been good.
*
Farone: You burned down the Assassin Inn.
Todd: Yeah. I did.
Travis: That’s a terrible name for an Inn .
Farone: It really is.
Travis: The Assassin Inn…free continental breakfast!
Farone: If you survive the night!
*
Travis: You get a good look at the guy.
Eli: Good.
Travis: It’s not the guy you’re thinking of.
Eli: It’s not?
Travis: If you’re thinking of the guy I think you’re thinking of, it’s not the guy you’re thinking of.
*
Janessa: I’m rolling the dice to see if I have a disease. If it’s a low number I have a disease.
(rolls)
Janessa: Ok, I have a disease.
*
Dave: She wrote her disease down on her character sheet under “Gear”.
*
Travis: You don’t know it but you’re a carrier for a queen xenomorph.
Janessa: What?!? What the hell is that?
Travis: It’s from Aliens.
Janessa: No Way
Farone: Someday an alien is gonna pop out of your chest.
Janessa: Um…ok, that sounds cool!
*
Farone: You wanna glass of water?
Janessa: Holy water?
Farone: Uh…sure. It just tastes a lot like bourbon.
*
Travis: You puked at Farone. He dodged.
Farone: I deflect it back at her.
Janessa: No! That’s not attractive!
*
Dave: Your horse was stolen?
Janessa: No!
Dave: It says on your character sheet it was spirited away.
Janessa:…That’s it’s name!
*
Travis: Time to play our favorite game: “What happened last week?”
Farone: I wasn’t here last week.
Toad: Yeah, me neither.
Travis: All right, uh, time to play our second favorite game: “What happened two weeks ago?”
Janessa: B*tch. Take notes.
*
Eli: We have to stop these guys!
Dave: Are you developing a conscience?
Eli: They tried to kill me! I want revenge!
Travis: It’s not so much a conscience as a list.
*
Farone: Wanna join my cult?
Janessa: Sure.
Dave: It takes like months to change deities…
Farone: No, read this pamphlet and give me 20 silver.
Janessa: Ok.
Farone: You’re in. By the way her 20 silver just covered my printing expenses.
*
Dave: There’s a 20 sided die under the table, by your chair.
Farone: Let’s see if he’s right…
Toad: He’s like a prophet.
Janessa: Your cult could use a prophet.
Farone: Oh, I’m trying to make a profit.
*
Janessa: I’m not there, but I say we let them raise their army of the dead so we can kill them all and get tons of XP.
*
Travis: You have your bishop. What’s your next move?
Farone: Diagonally, of course.
Travis: I…I can’t argue with that.
*
Travis: Every shape changer has a tell that could give them away. What’s yours?
Eli: He has a tail!
Travis: He doesn’t even have a tail when he’s the orc!
Eli: That’s what makes it so odd…
*
Farone: You wanna join the cult of CL?
Toad: I’m an orc. He’s an elven deity.
Farone: Well, we don’t emphasize that part. Ooh, I should add that to the pamphlet.
*
Travis: Why are you in town?
Farone: Passing through with some friends.
Travis: I told you before not to try my patience.
Farone: Ok.
Travis: Why are you in town.
Farone: I said, I’m passing through with some friends.
Travis: I want you to tell the truth.
Farone: That is the truth!
Travis: That’s part of the truth.
Farone: What’s the whole truth?
Travis: He doesn’t know, he’s not a mind reader!
Farone: Me neither! I don’t know why I’m in town!
*
Farone: Can you two share the wolf as an animal companion?
Eli: Is this some kind of bargain basement D&D campaign? You’re sharing animal companions now?
Travis: Dave gets it on the weekends.
Todd: And the druid gets it on all the Dru-ish holidays.
*
Dave: I was on a quest to save my people from the elves.
Farone: Elves?
Dave: Yeah, they enslaved my people.
Farone: You know, my deity had nothing to do with that.
*
Travis: Your character’s going shopping. Give me a list.
Janessa: Yay! This is the best D&D ever. Making a shopping list.
Farone: I’m sorry, but a woman shopping is not roleplaying.
*
Janessa: I’m gonna put my extra point in strength so I can have an extra…thing.
*
Janessa: Oh, great. You’re a useful GM. You knew ONE number. Thanks.
*
Janessa: I’m taking burrowing. The Travis version. AKA cheating.
*
Farone: I want this spell. When I die, I explode, damaging everything around me for my level in d8 damage and can’t be resurrected.
Travis: It’s like every morning he has a bowl of porridge and a glass of nitroglycerine.
Farone: Uh…actually this spell doesn’t have material components.
*
(Janessa is looking at a picture of a dog in the player’s handbook)
Janessa: Look at this thing. It’s awesome. It’s eyes are filled with murder…
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