4th Edition Suckas

Tony: You just incapacitate your opponent and then you win.

Todd: What game are you playing?

Tony: Scrabble.

Todd: ...

Travis: You should see him do a crossword. It's vicious.

*

Eli: We've heard tales of devils, demons, and giants in these mountains. Can you direct us to them?

*

Tony: This ability says I hit with a preternatural reserve. So you're all preganant.

Travis: I don't think that's what that word means!

Tony: No, I impregnated the entire party.

Farone: I don't think the Paladin understands how pregnancy works.

*

Tony: I'm using my righteous blow.

Farone: Whoa!

Travis: Like "Peruvian Marching Powder"?

Eli: Like, you're going to blow them?

Farone: That was so not what I was thinking

Eli: What? That would be awesome! The paladin and a stone giant...

Farone: There's a big gap in what you and I consider awesome.

*

Farone: What if someone lifts me up like five feet? Who's the tallest? The ranger? Let me look, she's...5' 3". You're only 5' 3"?

Kim: I'm only 5' 3", but I have really long arms.

Eli: What are you like Patrick Ewing over there?

*

Farone: I don't know what that is, but I know it's not a penis.

*

Tony: Do I add this to my meter of love here?

*

Travis: This guy's got a 34 AC. I'm just saying.

Eli: Use abilities that don't hit AC. Does anybody have attacks that don't hit AC?

Travis: Well, Mike's got a bunch of abilities that don't hit...

*

Eli: We're coming back for you. Barion Harkle never leaves a man behind!

Tony: What did you just say? You'll never leave a man's behind?

*

Kim: What are you doing way back there?

Tom: I went way ahead of you. I'm very fast.

Todd: And by "very fast" he means, "I'm a coward".

Eli: And by "coward" he means, "elf".

*

Tony: Wow. First the dildos and now this...

*

Eli: I think Tony should fight with his thing.
Everyone: ...
Farone: I don't know what kind of fight you think this is...

*

Eli: We seek the phylactery of Lich Thomas!
Travis: Then you might as well have set your sights on the sun! For you will never find it!
Todd: Why?
Travis: It is guarded by the most foul beast in the land!
Farone: The elf? No, he's with us.

*

Travis: You can't just grab the disk it weighs like 60 lbs.
Farone: Put it in the bag of holding that's full of heads.
Eli: It won't fit.
Farone: Why not?
Eli: The bag only opens to like...head size.

*

Farone: If we call the disk a head long enough we can get the bag to accept it.
Travis: I don't think magic works like that.
Farone: As a practitioner of magic, it does.
Todd: By definition, magic works magically.

*

Farone: So let me get this straight: You're not afraid of the dracolich, but you are afraid of a dark elf.
Eli: Yes.
Farone: Well. Ok, then.

*

Eli: We'll do this the old fashioned way. Send the elf out!
Todd: I thought the old fashioned way was "kill everything".
Eli: It's ok, we'll light the elf on fire first.
Farone: I like this plan. I always agree with a "light the elf on fire" plan.

*

Travis: There's a stream of undead coming towards you.
Kim: How undead are they?

*

Eidson: I told you the dracolich was in here.
Todd: This room's not big enough for a dracolich.
Eidson: Dracoliches can turn into a single bone and fit anywhere.
Todd: Ok, the elf doesn't know anything about dracoliches.
Eidson: I rolled a 20 on my perception!
Travis: You perceive that you don't know anything about dracoliches. With great clarity, in fact.

*

Tony: I see you still have Barion Harkel.
Farone: Unfortunately.

*

Tony: Dragon's hatch.
Farone: They don't.
Tony: They do!
Farone: No, they erupt into the world.

*

Eidson: I'm running away and shooting the thing following me.
Eli: Yeah, don't help the cleric.
Eidson: Oh, does someone need help? I can run away further.

*

Eidson: I wish I had abilities to stop things moving.
Travis: Dead things stop moving.
Todd: You'd think that but this giant battle against zombies would tend to prove otherwise.

*

Farone: I do +10 for uh...+4 for the, um, well, +1 for being bloodied and 4 for the aura and 2 for that thing you cast and 2 for my bonus, and then +1 for uh...something.

*

Tony: I have 50 platinum! Woo-hoo!
Travis: that's probably wrong.
Tony: Wait, a platinum is 100 gold, right?
Travis: Yeah, but...
Tony: Woo-hoo!

*

Travis: You see a shadowy Tiefling begin to cast-
Eli: None of us can see that.
Todd: Kim's blind...
Eli: I'm behind a shadowy wall of darkness...
Todd: And I'm in another room. For that matter he can't see us.
Eli: Yeah, what the heck is he doing?
Todd: I swear to God, he's casting magic missile at the darkness...

*

Kim: Maybe these guys are friendly.
Eli: Has anything in this place been friendly so far?
Travis: That's because you guys always have initiative. You attack everything first!
Eli: Well that's because we're not friendly!

*

Eli: I'm gonna move here and subdue this guy.
Travis: With what?
Eli: My fists!

*

Eli: He's unconscious so I'm gonna hit him again and make sure he's knocked out.

*

Travis: It's a village and everyone is mutated and horribly deformed. They're wandering around and you hear a voice from inside a tent talking about how great Pandemonium is.
Eli: Pandemonium?
Travis: It's like chaos.
Todd: So it's a village full of crazies?
Travis: Yes.
Todd: Is there a pommel horse in the middle of town?

*

Todd: He just said we're inside a pyramid, so now we know that for sure.
Travis: You always knew you were in a pyramid.
Eli: I thought we were in a castle.
Todd: Me too.
Travis: It's a crystal pyramid.
Eli: I thought it was a crystal castle.
Todd: Me too.
Kim: I thought we were in a cave.
Travis: Huh. Well you are a half-orc. Their word for "inside" is "cave" so I guess that makes sense.

*

Eli: I have a rocket launcher.
Travis: He does, but there are no rockets in this world.
Eli: It shoots bears.

*

Eli: We're going to an evil church?
Farone: They pass around a plate with money and you take some.

*

Travis: Tony, that guy hits you with a bolt of darkness for 13 points of damage.
Tony: Wow. I...uh...take it. I guess.

*

Kim: I do like your shinys.

*

Travis: Kim you're up. What are you going to do?
Kim: I'm gonna kick your a**...hey, where'd you go?

*

Travis: You don't see anything at the bottom of the pit. You don't see any spikes. You don't see any invisible monsters...

*

Eli: I roll to hit...18.
Travis: Miss. Hit. No, miss.
Eli: Uh...
Travis: You're grappled so you're at a minus 2.
Eli: So, 16?
Travis: Your minus to hit is the same as his defensive minus so...it doesn't actually help you.
Eli: So did I hit?
Travis: Um...no.
Eli: Are you sure?
Travis: No.

*

Travis: You're grappled so you're plus 6 to hit for them.
Eli: I'm so sick of your lies!

*

Eidson: That was a 20! Crit!
Travis: What ability are you using?
Eidson: My twin strike.
Travis: No, the correct answer was: Something that does a lot of damage.

*

Travis: Let me see your character sheet...why do all your abilities allow you to run away?

*

Eli: The room that's knee deep in water has pipes underneath it.
Travis: A series of pipes.
Todd: Is that like a series of tubes?
Eli: The internet is under the floor of this room!
Farone: That would explain why everything in here moves so slow.

*

Travis: It's guarded by Unseen Forces that you....can not see!

*

Travis: You can't tell if you're shrinking or if the world is growing bigger! But you're sure you're shrinking.

*

Eli: Where are you from?
NPC: Um...Dwarfland!
Todd: He's legit. I've heard of Dwarfland.

*

Eli: What's your name?
NPC: Um...Hammersmith.
Farone: From Dwarfland.
Eli: Tell me where you're really from.
NPC: Undermountain.
Eli: Hammersmith? From Undermountain? In Dwarfland?
Farone: I'm melting his face with an acid orb. There. Now your name is Dwarf Liartongue!
Kim: Um...the sorcerer is yelling at the corpse.

*

Travis: There's a steel curtain.
Eli: How are we going to get through this Pittsburgh defense?
Kim: They're gonna open it. There's a sale.

*

Travis: You find a corpse with the dark, chitinous look of an Umber Hulk.
Todd: Is it an umber hulk?
Travis: It is!

*

Tony: What are these guys?

Todd: They're orcs. We're not attacking them. Yet.

*

Travis: Kim should move...here.

Todd: Won't she provoke an attack of opportunity?

Travis: Yeah, but she has talents to protect against that. Watch this. (Moves kim, rolls attack) Oh, oops. I hit her.

*

Eli: This is not the way the Barion Harkel Five does things!

Travis: Oh, attacking from behind is definitely the Barion Harkel way to do things.

*

Farone: YOU wanted to follow the elf, and you KNOW that's not what we do! If anything we get his advice and do the opposite.

*

Travis: They have Tyrannosaurus Sex arms.

Eli: Oh, I don't want to mess with them!

Travis: You know I meant Rex, right? Tyrannosaurus Rex arms.

Farone: It's Ok, just don't get grappled.

*

Eli: All right, fine, attack them. We won't look for a back entrance, we'll attack.

Todd: I can't believe we had to talk the warlord into attacking something.

*

Travis: Todd, take 8 necrotic damage, and you're at -2 to your will saves til the end of the encounter.
Kim: You're mean.

*

Travis: You're dazed.
Farone: What? Who dazed me?
Travis (pointing): That guy.
Farone: He's not even in range!
Travis: Yeah. He is.
Farone: Oh. Great. Guess who I'm cursing next turn.

*

Farone: We should capture these guys in some kind of non-porous material...
Tony: Like honey?
Farone: Um...that's exactly what I was thinking.

*

(Travis looks through the rules for an inordinate amount of time, mumbling)
Travis: Ok...that, and then...ok, D4. A D4.
Todd: All that for a D4?
Travis (rolls): Elf...take 5 points of damage.
Todd: And then you somehow rolled a 5.

*

Farone: Those guys are minions so you kill them in one hit.

Tony: Oh really?

Farone: Unless I'm wrong in which case you're dead.

*

Farone: That's a farmer who was ensorceled.

Todd: We desorceled him.

*

Tony: No, no. Keep reading your dialog good citizen.

*

Travis: You should introduce yourselves.

Farone: Why hello there-

Travis: Go away!

*

Eli: One of the kobolds had a necklace of Orcus.

Travis: That wouldn't surprise me.

Farone: What WOULD surprise you?

*

Eli: Isn't that guy a wizard?

Farone: He's a historian.

Todd: A level 4 historian?

Farone: He has the power of history.

*

Travis: What's your reflex save?

Eli: Nine...

Travis: Then he hits.

Eli:...hundred.

*

Eli: It's my new daily power. Summon undeadless town.

*

Travis: This guy took 25 points of damage.

Tony: I use my power to take that damage for him.

Farone: No, that's a bad guy!

Eli: We WANT him to take that damage!

Farone: Tony wasn't paying attention.

Eli: I like how he hears something went wrong and just assumes it's us though.

*

Farone: (To Tony) You're making a bed out of dead orcs.

Travis: You are the most disgusting paladin.

Tony: I didn't say anything! I just asked where we were making camp!

*

Travis: The paladin wants to know if laying on hands on himself is a full round action.

Tony: I don't know, but it is an "at-will" power.

*

(Eli is conversing with the orcs in Giant language)

Todd: I don't understand any of this.

Tony: It's ok it's all subtitled.

Travis Wednesday Night Goodness

Eli: I'm a friendly thief. Eli the Good!

*

Farone: My village was destroyed by...uh...

Todd: Sharks?

Farone: Half-orc, half-sharks!

Eli: Shorks!

*

Farone: Every four levels you get a new alignment.

*

Eli: Can I speak to the dead?

Travis: No. I take that back. Yes, but they won't respond.

*

Farone: My parents were in the porn industry. Live porn. They traveled from town to town putting on live porn shows.

*

Travis: What's your bluff skill?

Farone: Do I really have to tell you or can I bluff?

*

Farone: Does a grappling hook give you a bonus to grappling?

Travis: No. But tentacles do.

Todd & Farone: How much are tentacles?

Travis: You can't buy tentacles.

Farone: What if I buy a tent and some manacles and combine them?

*

Janessa: What is the plot, other than people getting drunk at mini-bars?

*

Farone: She heard that conversation right?

Travis: No, they were in the back.

Eli: We were in the back?

Janessa: They were?

Travis: (To Eli) By the way, you were in the back.

*

Janessa: I believe these are your papers.

Eli: Thank you.

Janessa: I didn't say I was giving them to you!

*

Travis: The guy who was supposed to be keeping watch is gone...

Eli: Uh...

Todd: I was run off by the door man.

Travis: If by “run off” you mean “given directions to a bar”.

Todd: That's what I meant.

*

Janessa: We can stay at a nice hotel.

Todd: Wait, she has money?

Farone: I have a new plan.

*

Farone: She doesn't have lots of money!

Travis: She does.

Janessa: I do.

Farone: Man, I want lots of money. I wish I had a vagina.

*

Eli: We need to go get my friends.

Janessa: Oh. You have friends?

*

Janessa: The wolf and I are one.

Eli: I believe this job could use someone of your...collective talents.

Farone: How exactly does this caper involve a wolf lady?

*

Farone: I never got paid!

Travis: You got paid.

Farone: Then how come I don't have any money?

Travis: You drink.

Farone: I don't drink! Oh wait...yes I do.

*

Janessa: Do I get stabbed now?

Travis: Do you want to get stabbed?

Farone: Wait, did you take the paranoia feat?

*

Janessa: He’s over here gallivanting around town…

Farone: Hey! I don’t gallivant.

*

Janessa: I’m just saying, realistically, even back then, dudes would give in to chicks.

*

Eli: I’m not doing the tracking.

Travis: You’re letting the dog do it.

Eli: I’m thinking, dogs smell better than people.

Farone: Only if you wash them.

*

Travis: What name did you give the guards when you crossed the bridge?

Eli: Um…

Janessa: Why does Travis have Flash cards?

Farone: Those are his notes.

Eli: He’s like James Lipton.

Farone: Or Alex Trebek. Like we’re on Jeopardy.

Todd: I’ll take lies we told the guards for 200, Alex.

*

Travis: I’m just wondering…how does someone track by scent something that left a burned down building.

Janessa: Blood hounds can. I was watching a special about those dogs that track dead people…

Farone: Whatever she says next, none of us are going to be able to dispute this.

*

Eli: How much do you trust me?

Janessa: That is an awesome question!

*

Eli: Are there any tables in the back?

Travis: Of course. One of them’s shrouded in darkness, and the others are…near it.

*

Eli: You two go in the back and make out or something.

Janessa: He’s an orc!

Eli: Yeah. That’s what you half-breeds do.

Janessa: I’m a human!

Eli: Oh yeah! You lazy orc! Stay away from our women folk!

*

Janessa: (After killing an NPC) Yay! Who’s useful now!

*

Todd: These guys are the worst assassins ever. They bust in all ninja-like then they’re like, “Oh, sh*t, they have a dog!”

*

Farone: He’s the one we’re gonna kick out. He’s human. He stinks.

Janessa: Hey, I’m a human!

Farone: Yeah, but you’re clean.

Eli: She’s a race betrayer!

Travis: If by “race betrayer” you mean “bather”, then yes.

*

Eli: There’s a dead guy with an arrow we don’t recognize, another dead guy out the window on the street…

Farone: Man, this is a rough neighborhood, even the assassins aren’t safe.

*

Dave: Did you get healed?

Janessa: I rested so I got all my hit points back.

Dave: That’s not how it works.

Janessa: What?!? How many do I get?

Dave: 1.

Janessa: Dude, these cots suck!

*

Farone: (To Dave) Is this guy somebody, or is it just you?

*

Janessa: Here.

Travis: It’s a calculator…

Janessa: Yeah, in case you get lazy doing my xp again.

*

Janessa: What?!? What’s wrong with offering a little helpful…utensil?

Travis: It’s a good thing your husband’s not a native English speaker, or he’d have had a hernia by now.

Janessa: Dude! He’s had hernias.

*

Eli: I’m investigating dammit! I’m an investigator.

Travis: (Pointing at Dave) HE’s the investigator.

Eli: No! I took it as a skill! No. Wait. No I didn’t.

Dave: He’s just delusional.

Travis: But he did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

*

Travis: (Reading his own notes) Bronco IS his real name. Holy Sh*t. I named a guy Bronco? What an a**hole.

*

Eli: Let’s cut off a finger. No! A toe! Let’s take a toe! This guy tried to kill me. We’re cutting off a finger or a toe!

Travis: How much are they paying you? I’ll pay more.

Eli: Er…how much?

*

Travis: His name is Kogoth. And by the way, none of you are going to recognize that name.

Janessa: I roll just in case.

*

(After the interrogation victim has a finger bitten off by the dog and passes out)

Dave: Ok, that’s it. The interrogation is over.

Todd: What are you talking about? When he wakes up and we show him his own finger and tell him he’s only got 9 mistakes left…

Janessa: That is awesome!

Dave: Am I in an evil party? Is everyone evil but me?

Janessa: What, he has good ideas!

*

Eli: All I know is we’re gonna break him.

Travis: Is he a prisoner or a thrall?

Janessa: Thrall sounds good.

*

Eli: Can you summon bees? Cause that would be awesome.

Todd: We can just cover him with honey.

Dave: You know, bees aren’t attracted to honey…

Eli: No, but bears are! That’s even better!

*

Travis: What kind of armor do you have?

Janessa: Hide +1.

Farone: Isn’t that a skill?

*

Janessa: Wait, this is an Elven city! How do they not have magic shops?

Travis: This is a human city.

Janessa: Oh well. Lesser beings aren’t that smart, I guess…

Travis: You’re a human.

Janessa: What?! Oh yeah. I thought I was a fricken elf!

*

(Travis hands the party a map)

Farone: Uh…is there a translation for this somewhere?

Travis: My handwriting’s not that bad.

Farone: Does this say “Fish-lick bank”?

Travis: (Snatches map away) Give me that!

(Pause)

Travis: That does say Fish-Lick Bank.

*

Janessa: I’m spending Eli’s money.

Eli: Where did you get my money?

Janessa: Um…while you were asleep?

Todd: I hope you don’t think you’ve been robbing us. We started out broke and poor. None of us had vaginas.

*

Janessa: Dude, don’t you take notes?

Todd: Don’t grouch at the DM.

Janessa: Why not?

Todd: Cause then he won’t be nice to us.

Janessa: So? Fine. Travis, you’re awesome. Learn to take notes.

*

Janessa: I like tiny things!

*

Eli: I have a plan. The druid’s parents are rich. We’ll kidnap the druid.

Janessa: *Pretend* to kidnap me.

Todd: This is a good idea.

Janessa: We can mail them that finger we took off the dude!

Dave: A man’s finger?

Janessa: Hey! We can put lotion on it!

*

Todd: He can bartend, we’ll just take the money up front.

Eli: No one’s going to trust you. You’re an orc.

Todd: Well, then, you can take the money up front.

Eli: I’m a thief. No one’s going to trust me.

Janessa: They would if you’d take off those thiefy clothes and put on something else.

*

Travis: You guys have terrible ideas.

Farone: What are you talking about? I haven’t had any ideas. And they’ve all been good.

*

Farone: You burned down the Assassin Inn.

Todd: Yeah. I did.

Travis: That’s a terrible name for an Inn.

Farone: It really is.

Travis: The Assassin Inn…free continental breakfast!

Farone: If you survive the night!

*

Travis: You get a good look at the guy.

Eli: Good.

Travis: It’s not the guy you’re thinking of.

Eli: It’s not?

Travis: If you’re thinking of the guy I think you’re thinking of, it’s not the guy you’re thinking of.

*

Janessa: I’m rolling the dice to see if I have a disease. If it’s a low number I have a disease.

(rolls)

Janessa: Ok, I have a disease.

*

Dave: She wrote her disease down on her character sheet under “Gear”.

*

Travis: You don’t know it but you’re a carrier for a queen xenomorph.

Janessa: What?!? What the hell is that?

Travis: It’s from Aliens.

Janessa: No Way! What!? What the hell?!

Farone: Someday an alien is gonna pop out of your chest.

Janessa: Um…ok, that sounds cool!

*

Farone: You wanna glass of water?

Janessa: Holy water?

Farone: Uh…sure. It just tastes a lot like bourbon.

*

Travis: You puked at Farone. He dodged.

Farone: I deflect it back at her.

Janessa: No! That’s not attractive!

*

Dave: Your horse was stolen?

Janessa: No!

Dave: It says on your character sheet it was spirited away.

Janessa:…That’s it’s name!

*

Travis: Time to play our favorite game: “What happened last week?”

Farone: I wasn’t here last week.

Toad: Yeah, me neither.

Travis: All right, uh, time to play our second favorite game: “What happened two weeks ago?”

Janessa: B*tch. Take notes.

*

Eli: We have to stop these guys!

Dave: Are you developing a conscience?

Eli: They tried to kill me! I want revenge!

Travis: It’s not so much a conscience as a list.

*

Farone: Wanna join my cult?

Janessa: Sure.

Dave: It takes like months to change deities…

Farone: No, read this pamphlet and give me 20 silver.

Janessa: Ok.

Farone: You’re in. By the way her 20 silver just covered my printing expenses.

*

Dave: There’s a 20 sided die under the table, by your chair.

Farone: Let’s see if he’s right…

Toad: He’s like a prophet.

Janessa: Your cult could use a prophet.

Farone: Oh, I’m trying to make a profit.

*

Janessa: I’m not there, but I say we let them raise their army of the dead so we can kill them all and get tons of XP.

*

Travis: You have your bishop. What’s your next move?

Farone: Diagonally, of course.

Travis: I…I can’t argue with that.

*

Travis: Every shape changer has a tell that could give them away. What’s yours?

Eli: He has a tail!

Travis: He doesn’t even have a tail when he’s the orc!

Eli: That’s what makes it so odd…

*

Farone: You wanna join the cult of CL?

Toad: I’m an orc. He’s an elven deity.

Farone: Well, we don’t emphasize that part. Ooh, I should add that to the pamphlet.

*

Travis: Why are you in town?

Farone: Passing through with some friends.

Travis: I told you before not to try my patience.

Farone: Ok.

Travis: Why are you in town.

Farone: I said, I’m passing through with some friends.

Travis: I want you to tell the truth.

Farone: That is the truth!

Travis: That’s part of the truth.

Farone: What’s the whole truth?

Travis: He doesn’t know, he’s not a mind reader!

Farone: Me neither! I don’t know why I’m in town!

*

Farone: Can you two share the wolf as an animal companion?

Eli: Is this some kind of bargain basement D&D campaign? You’re sharing animal companions now?

Travis: Dave gets it on the weekends.

Todd: And the druid gets it on all the Dru-ish holidays.

*

Dave: I was on a quest to save my people from the elves.

Farone: Elves?

Dave: Yeah, they enslaved my people.

Farone: You know, my deity had nothing to do with that.

*

Travis: Your character’s going shopping. Give me a list.

Janessa: Yay! This is the best D&D ever. Making a shopping list.

Farone: I’m sorry, but a woman shopping is not roleplaying.

*

Janessa: I’m gonna put my extra point in strength so I can have an extra…thing.

*

Janessa: Oh, great. You’re a useful GM. You knew ONE number. Thanks.

*

Janessa: I’m taking burrowing. The Travis version. AKA cheating.

*

Farone: I want this spell. When I die, I explode, damaging everything around me for my level in d8 damage and can’t be resurrected.

Travis: It’s like every morning he has a bowl of porridge and a glass of nitroglycerine.

Farone: Uh…actually this spell doesn’t have material components.

*

(Janessa is looking at a picture of a dog in the player’s handbook)

Janessa: Look at this thing. It’s awesome. It’s eyes are filled with murder…